Episode 224

Marriage. It is ordained by God, highly rewarding, yet challenging to successfully live out and under constant attack from all sides. Today on the Removing Barriers Podcast, we are privileged and very grateful to sit down with David and Debra Sommerdorf to talk about their marriage of over 40 years: how they met, God’s work in their hearts and in their family over the years, and biblical principles that wove a beautiful tapestry of love, faithfulness, and family going strong for decades. You won’t want to miss this episode!

[David Sommerdorf]

But I look back over those years and wow, whew, those were some tough years, financially, emotionally, spiritually. But I think at the end of the day, we always had that idea that we know what we can’t do. This is an unconsidered avenue. We’re not doing that. We are going to make this work. And we also recognized we had more that we liked about each other than what we didn’t like.

[Jay]

Thank you for tuning in to the Removing Barriers Podcast. I’m Jay and I’m MCG. And we’re attempting to remove barriers, so we can all have a clear view of the cross.

[MCG]

This is episode 224 of the Removing Barriers Podcast. And this is the 4th in the series of Lessons in Marriage. And in this episode, we will be sitting down with my favorite evangelist, David Sommerdorf, and his much better half, Miss Deb. To learn more about their 40 years of marriage, and the lessons they have learned over the years.

[Jay]

Hi, this is Jay. MCG and I would like for you to help us remove barriers by going to removingbarriers.net and subscribing to receive all things Removing Barriers. If you’d like to take your efforts a bit further and help us keep the mics on, consider donating at removingbarriers.net/donate. Removing Barriers, a clear view of the cross.

[MCG]

Brother Dave, Miss Deb, It is indeed a pleasure. Welcome to the Removing Barriers podcast.

[David Sommerdorf]

Thank you.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

We look forward to this time. It’s good to be back with you.

[MCG]

Yeah, definitely. And don’t tell anyone, Miss Deb, but the only reason your husband is here is because we wanted to talk to you.

[David Sommerdorf]

We actually both understand that completely.

[MCG]

All right. Well, let’s start from the beginning. How did all this come to be? How did you guys meet and all this stuff?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

My family, my dad was Navy and we were attending a church up in Washington and we had been there several years and David being a Marine, they had transferred him there to do some time before he went into schooling. So he was a baby Christian. He joined our church and that’s how we met. But for several years, you know, we were in church together, but that was about it. So that’s how we met in church.

[Jay]

Yeah.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Good place to meet your spouse.

[MCG]

Yeah, that’s the best place to meet.

[Jay]

So was it a situation where he grew on you over time or did he approach you or did you approach him? Were your parents in the background kind of bringing things together? How did that come about?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, I think further in the questions we’ll bring that out. But that’s true. No, the first couple of years, he was a baby Christian and I was just 15. And you know, I had a very smart father. He looked at me and said, hey, if you leave the guys alone, I’ll buy you a horse. And I said, let’s go shopping. And I ended up with two horses and two Shetlands out of that. So. Love that.

[David Sommerdorf]

Yep. I think when you look at that moment, newly saved, I know our church was going through Treasure Path of Soul Winning. There were five verses. every week that had to be memorized and then quoted to somebody and about a 30 I think it was about a 34-week course maybe it was significant wow so there were a handful of individuals in the church that were designated to be those that would listen to you quote these verses and Deb was one of them And so at the time, you know, I would go to her, not because there was anything there. She was available to give the verses. And I had to quote all five perfectly. I mean, you had to put the pause where the commas were. She was brutal that way. And I had no idea this young girl that I was speaking to, quoting scripture to, was eventually going to be my wife. And a lot of Marines and sailors went to church to find a girl. That wasn’t why I was there. I was newly saved and I wanted to just get my walk with God established and learn how to serve him effectively. And Deb was there running alongside of me for a couple of years before I ever noticed her.

[MCG]

All right. Why don’t we get into that part of it? When did you guys begin dating or quoting? Some people call them different things. So when did you guys get into that?

[David Sommerdorf]

I think I initiated that initially. I I think a couple years in, I looked over at Deb serving the Lord, and I considered her first. And so I remember asking permission from her dad to court her, and in other words, to try to win her heart. And he gave me permission. And so I reached out to her and I think I was heading out on leave when I spoke to you. So while I was on leave for about 30 days in Minnesota, she prayed much about it. When I came back, yes, we began to talk and spend time together, and that’s how it began. I really initiated that and then got her dad’s permission to pursue her, in a sense, to court her.

[MCG]

Okay. Ms. Deb, I want you to come in, but before you do so, I want to know, how did that experience go with the dad, because I have own story and my experience.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, my dad didn’t necessarily say a lot to me. He was a quiet man, you know, but I have to say I was his favorite, his daughters. But he did tell me that, you know, Dave was a very responsible young man and he seemed to be going somewhere and he liked the idea of me talking to him. And he also said, you know, don’t do something stupid. He said, you know, I want you to always be with someone, you know, And if you have any questions, you come talk to me. I’m always here. And I appreciate that a lot.

[MCG]

Did he give you a hard time, Brother Dave?

[David Sommerdorf]

Not really. Jack or Dad Jack was just, as Deb would say, a very steady, straight shooter, a Navy guy. So he was pretty savvy with life. And he had a few rules that were in place. And he just, you know, as Deb mentioned, you didn’t go alone together and no touchy feely stuff, you know, you just kept it above board. And we did. In fact, the first time we kissed was our wedding day.

[Jay]

Wonderful, wonderful. In retrospect, would you say that that is the best process for getting to know someone that might become your spouse? Because I heard a preacher say once that the United States has an epidemic of unprotected women. So we let the girls just date who they like, and it’s dating without a purpose, and there aren’t any guardrails, there are no boundaries. And so you have this epidemic of things going wrong because of the way that men and women approach each other now. Would you say that the way that it happened in your lives is the best way, or is there wiggle room in there?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

I definitely would say that that should be the only way, because once you go to a certain point and then you say, no, this isn’t gonna work, you’ve lost something in your life that you cannot give to someone else. And it is the same way that we put into practice in our home for our children. for them to meet their spouse and how to spend time courting their spouse or, that special person that became their spouse. And no, I don’t regret it at all.

[David Sommerdorf]

No, and I think when you look at the definition of dating, it’s really a Western culture, particularly, I would say an American idea. It’s two young people getting alone together to have a good time. And I say, wow, what could go wrong? You know, it’s like, no, so the purpose is higher. I think any of the young men that came and asked me permission to court our daughters. When I gave them permission, I said, you do understand the purpose of this isn’t to perpetually have fun. It’s with the idea you’re going to get married. So when I give you this permission, it’s with that idea we’re heading toward an altar. And so act accordingly, be wise, and we set up guardrails and rules as well.

[MCG]

All right. How did you know this was the person you want to marry, Miss Deb? Let’s start with you, because your dad said, hey, forget about the balls that give you horses. And then eventually you traded the horses for Brother Dave.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Yeah, you’re right. And it happened so quickly. I watched him grow in the Lord, and he had a heart for the Lord. He was always at church. If there was something going on, yeah, I’ll do it. He was just volunteering. He was there. And I saw his passion for the Lord and his faithfulness. And he stood apart from all the other young men that were there. And he had character. And I figured that together, because my parents didn’t have the best marriage, and his parents, they didn’t grow up with the Lord in their life. I thought, here we have two young people with the first desire chasing and serving the Lord. And if we come together, we could build a great marriage and a ministry and a family. And I saw that I wanted that passion extended to me and I enjoyed him. We had our conversations together. We thought alike. We enjoyed doing the same things. And so it slowly turned and I did. I traded those horses for him.

[MCG]

How about you, Brother Dave?

[David Sommerdorf]

Without a doubt, very similar. I would say that I knew she was the one based on her passion and her commitment for the Lord. I also saw something, I saw that she would make a great mother. I realized this was a young lady that was not just going to be, as young people would say, a great lover. It was really, I saw a future extending into raising children, and I realized I had somebody that would raise up and train up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. I just knew she’d make a great mother. And so that was, for me, the same thing, her passion and commitment to the Lord, as well as the fact she’d be a great mother. And she didn’t mention this, but one of the things I did to make sure this thing got off to a right start is our first date, you could say together, we took her sister and a friend with, I took her upline. And because I’m a pilot, I took her up flying. And that must have made an impact. One guy said to me a few months ago, when I mentioned that to him, he said, that’s cheating. And I said, you got to cheat to get a good one. And so I took her up flying and, here it is 41 years later, she’s decided to hang on for the ride and stay with me.

[Jay]

Incredible.

[MCG]

Is that because you don’t have a parachute, Miss Deb?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

There wasn’t a parachute, that’s for sure.

[Jay]

You’re in it and you’re stuck. So before I ask you about what the first few years of your marriage were like, I had a question that popped into mind and I was wondering if you could help me out with it. We’re raising four sons and We mentioned earlier about how there’s an epidemic of unprotected women, and I think there’s also an epidemic of aimless boys. They don’t seem to have guidance in terms of, you know, what it takes to become a man, when are you prepared to even approach a woman? I mean, and our boys are still young, so I don’t know anything. I at least know that before you’re even interested in talking to a woman, you better be able to provide for yourself and for her. You better be grounded in the word and walking and obeying the Lord and going places spiritually. You better be able to lead it, but I don’t know anything else. And that’s on one side. On the other side, I also see a trend happening online where men are talking about how futile and what’s the word? It’s unprofitable for a man to be married now simply because our society makes it so easy for women to break up the home or to leave or to be promiscuous or to not be traditional women. I suppose I’m going to take all of that, ball it up into a question and ask, how should we be preparing our young men and our young women to be married, or to at least aim for that really high and lofty goal of being married.

[David Sommerdorf]

I’ll address the young men first, because when you look at biblical masculinity, which is really the goal for our young men, not toxic masculinity, biblical masculinity, it can be summed up in a single word, responsibility. And you look at Adam in the Garden of Eden. He was given the responsibility to nurture that garden, to name the animals. He was given a task. He was given a job. And I always say this, a man with no purpose is not a man. Responsibility. is biblical masculinity. God could have kept the garden and God could have named the animals, but he chose to let Adam do that. And so he made him responsible for the keeping of the garden, but also the keeping of his command. There was one command he gave and he held Adam’s feet to the fire on that. So biblical masculinity his responsibility you say well where is a man to learn that that’s the home that is totally the home and it is up to dad to teach biblical masculinity to his sons you say well that’s the church and that’s that no the home is the number one learning center and that is where biblical masculinity begins where you teach young men purpose I look back to my childhood growing up on a beef operation. I think in many ways, because we’re living in such an entertainment, social media day, young men just don’t get out there and break a sweat, learn to feed the livestock, whether they want to or not. There’s chores, just like Adam. There’s responsibilities, just like Adam, and it builds character. I wish I could take every young man and put him on a farm for about five, six years of his life, teenage life especially, and maybe send him to Marine Corps recruit Depot San but it is we’re living in a day where you could just be a boy perpetually yeah and so speaking to men biblical masculinity responsibility.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

I like the definition between a boy and a man.

[David Sommerdorf]

Oh a boy and a man yeah a boy struggles to take care of himself a man takes care of himself and others So I just think our young men, I think they want to be challenged. And I think it’s our fault if we don’t challenge them.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Right. Great.

[Jay]

What about for young girls, Ms. Deb? How should we be preparing our young ladies for marriage?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, I think that we need to be in the Word of God. There’s so many great books out there, but the Word of God is very helpful. And get your daughter to pattern herself and save herself for that one special relationship so she can one day say that you are the only one. I’ve never loved anybody else. I’ve never kissed anybody else. I’ve never touched anybody else. You are that person. And then you have the great joy of making those memories with that person. And it builds that strong relationship that helps keep a marriage together during the many tough times and the changes that take place through life, the natural ones.

[David Sommerdorf]

And if I could add, the ultimate goal for moms is to go ahead and not only live it, but pattern their life in such a way with expectations that their daughters would live out a Proverbs 31 model, not what the world says is true. true goals for women. But a Proverbs 31 woman, God lays it out. And moms have got to not just want that for their daughters, they have to be that for their daughters. And that’s, again, back to the home, Proverbs 31 womanhood.

[MCG]

Yeah, definitely. So curious minds want to know, How did he propose, Miss Deb?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, it actually, to be truthful, it wasn’t planned. We were at my parents’ home, walking around after doing chores, and there was a ridge, and we were watching the sun go down on the Oregon coast. And he just said, will you marry me?

[MCG]

Oh, wow.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

But it definitely was not the plan. He wasn’t planning to do that. But he was getting ready to leave, I think, the next day, go back to the Yukon to the missionary work. And we had like, what, five days together?

[David Sommerdorf]

I think so.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Five days together and spent time together, did things together, fun things and work. I had a farm, so we were working together also. And we just were in tune with a lot of the things, everything that we talked about. And so that’s how he asked. He asked if I’d marry him. I did say yes.

[Jay]

He said yes. Wow.

[MCG]

What made you say yes? Because I’m baffled on that yes part of it.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, I knew that I could love him. And I wanted to love him.

[MCG]

Amen.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

And I felt that he would return that love and love me also. And I had seen his passion for the Lord willing to go to the mission field and the things that he had physically sacrificed himself for the Lord. And if you love someone, then you extend that to them. And I just felt that we would have a strong marriage and…

[David Sommerdorf]

We’d serve the Lord together.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

We’d serve the Lord together. And that’s what I was excited, raise a family that would chase the Lord.

[MCG]

Amen, 40 plus years later.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Yes.

[Jay]

Praise the Lord. So he asked you, you said yes, you all get married. And so now the two have become one. What were the early years of your marriage like?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Shock.

[Jay]

There’s an adjustment period, right?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, he took me to Alaska where it’s 40 below for weeks on end.

[MCG]

Oh, wow.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

So there was a lot of It changes.

[David Sommerdorf]

Living in a motorhome, living in a mobile home. Mobile home, 45 foot mobile home, one bedroom.

[Jay]

Wow.

[David Sommerdorf]

We remember those early years. We were very busy. We were financially just strapped. And with trailer living there, I remember the frost would come in on the screws. If you put your suit coat in the closet touching the wall, it would freeze to the wall. And at that time, Kimberly was our first one to come along and she had her little bass in the living room because you’re just this little one-bedroom, 45-foot mobile home in Alaska. And so she had the living room with her bassinet and trailer living, church work. I was a commissioned salesman, so it was if you didn’t sell, you didn’t eat. It was busy. It was tight. But we built a relationship together out of that. We both were so far from parents. There was none of that tampering and tinkering from other sides of the family.

[Jay]

It was literally just you two.

[David Sommerdorf]

Yeah, it was us two. And we were, in some ways, very remote. So it was combat ops, really, in that it was a forging time for us. And we learned a lot about each other. And some things we liked and some things we didn’t. But we had made that commitment to make this work.

[Jay]

Could you go into that a little bit? What were some of the problems that you had to iron through and some of the things that you had to learn about each other and maybe things that you weren’t expecting or maybe things that naturally happen when two people get married? What were some of those things that you had to iron through?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

My husband had a great need to spend time with the boys. So they did a lot of things together. And so it was very common he’d go to work and then he’d go do things with the guys. So I spent a lot of time at home alone.

[David Sommerdorf]

And I would say that that was, I was not a model husband those first few years. I mean, when you can go, probably exhibit A would be this, on her birthday, our very first birthday she had after we got married. So we’ve been married about a year at that point. Birthday’s in June. We got married in July. So 11 months later, here’s her very first birthday and we’re married. I go water skiing with the guys. Oh, wow. Yeah. Oh, wow. You know, so pretty brain dead, very focused, very, You just, you know, my goals. And maybe in some ways, it was kind of that idea that, you know, I’ve got my wife, I’ve got my family. Okay, now let’s go do this. And just that constant go out and conquer another mountain mentality. And I think sometimes for men, this is a problem. We’re more interested in getting than keeping. I have to be honest about that. And I would say those first few years, She was a champ. And frankly, I just, I was very foolish. And I had to learn this is not a healthy relationship if all I’m going to do is do my thing and expect her to hang in there.

[Jay]

Ms. Deb, could you speak to the women out there now? Because in our country, I think the current statistic is that 75 to 80% of divorces are initiated by women. What are some of the things that the Lord revealed to you through his word, some of the things that you really held on to during that time where, you’re lonely. I mean, you’re married, but your husband is out doing stuff with the guys and you’re home all alone and negative 40 degrees weeks on end with a baby. And how did the Lord protect you from the bitterness that women are susceptible to? How did the Lord keep that from seeping in and really getting a hold of your heart and being part of that statistic where 70% of women initiate divorce?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, we, for our marriage, we selected Psalm 46.1. God is our refuge and strength, the very present help in time of trouble. And I remember we had it on the wall and everything, and I would look at that and go, I did not realize the trouble, but God is my refuge. And the biggest thing for me is the Lord said, do you love me? And I’d say, yes, I love you, Lord. I want to serve you. He says, then you’re going to have to love your husband and you’re going to have to stay in your marriage. So my love for the Lord and my desire to please the Lord, I never entertained the thought of divorcing him. Murder? No, I didn’t say that. But there were times I was very angry and I had hurt and bitterness, you know, and that was really hard. I had to work through that. But my love for the Lord kept me with my husband. And I think another thing I know, I don’t think I know another thing that really God gave me that was a great help. He gave me my children. And I remember holding Kimberly in my arms. And I said, you know, Lord, I have a struggle with my marriage. My husband’s busy with other things. And I’m like, but I want to raise these children to chase you and to serve you. And I loved and had great joy and pleasure and training and raising my children. And they filled that void, that purpose in my life. And it was a great blessing. And I can look back now and tell you that paid off because without my children growing up and being who they were, because because of the energy I put into them my ministry would not be half of what it is but because of that strong relationship with my children and the principles and the love for the Lord and teaching them how to read and be kind and serve the Lord and chase the Lord it has only made our ministry and life more fulfilling and it shouts that we have a faithful God.

[David Sommerdorf]

Amen and I can add this too there came a day where Deb really she spoke up in regards to just where I was in all this, because I think my, and I can’t blame it on personality. It really is probably more of an obsessive, selfish spirit that we all have. Our heart is so selfish. But she just left me a little note, and I got it on a Saturday morning heading into work. And it said, if it wouldn’t be for the Lord, it wouldn’t be for the kids, I wouldn’t stay with you. And that was such a wake-up call. Because I honestly thought she was joking. What, are you kidding me? This hearty, gritty woman is, oh, she’s just being funny. But she wasn’t being funny. And it was her cry for help. And at that point, I determined I need to change. And so I’m glad she did that. I’m glad she gave me that feedback that snapped me in those early years. And so I began to put things in place. I began to change things. and realize that we like to say it, happy wife, happy life, but I think the bigger picture is happy spouse, happy house, and that’s both spouses living for the needs of the other. So I would say when we look at our life now, you sum it up pretty well as we’ve come through all those years, 40 years later, you would say what?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

We are enjoying the best years of our lives together.

[MCG]

Amen. And what advice would you give to a couple, let’s say they’re five, seven years, maybe their first 10 years of marriage.

[David Sommerdorf]

I wrote that answer down. Just give victory over selfishness. It didn’t get married to get, you got married to give. And if both spouses are looking to the needs of the other, even if you fall short, you’re going to be leap years ahead. So fight the spirit of selfishness. Because that is really, as far as I’m concerned, that’s what destroys marriages today. You make it all about yourself and not the other person. And that has to go both ways. Happy spouse, happy house.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

And you have to be aware of your own faults, because I know there are habits that have been in my life, and boy, it took months. if not years, to get that complaining spirit out or bitterness out or whatever that habit is. And to require your husband or the other spouse to fix something the first time, well, it’s going to take them time to change, too. So you need to not give up and allow them time to work on their faults, as much as you’d like them to extend mercy to you working on yours.

[David Sommerdorf]

And I think all the struggles in a marriage, if you’ll continually walk with God, You continually walk with your Savior and get strength from Him you don’t have yourself. All of these things will build character. You won’t get bitter, you’ll get better. And I think that’s a big secret.

[MCG]

Well, why don’t we go into a little bit of break and then come back on the other side to learn some more lessons that you guys have learned over the last 40 plus years. You’re listening to the Removing Barriers podcast. We’re sitting down with Brother Dave and Miss Deb, and we’re learning all about their 40 plus years of marriage. We’ll be right back.

[Jay]

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[MCG]

All right, well, let’s jump back in and tell me this. What are some things you put in place to keep Christ first in your marriage?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Well, we filled our home with Christian music, Patch the Pirate, Your Story Hour. One thing that I love to do at home is do the dramatized Bible. So we would have that run and someone would have, of course, back then it was cassettes, and they would stop it and then they’d say a name and the other person would have to start reading where they had stopped it in the Bible. And they loved to do that. We were faithful to church and we didn’t just go do church. Our children were there with us, helping, clean, set up, talk to people. We trained all our kids very young at church. They need to talk to three people and they need to ask them three questions to different people. So we were all in this together. But the other thing is we hosted a lot of Bible studies in our home, meals in our home, missionaries and pastors and even new church members. We’d have them come over and our children were involved in helping to take their coats, offer them coffee, serve dessert, clear plates, they were all very intricate part of our life. Whether we were serving the Lord or homeschooling or planting a garden, we did it together.

[David Sommerdorf]

It was a family endeavor, without a doubt.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

But one of the biggest things too, just as important of all those, we kept the world out. We did not have TV. We would watch videos once in a while, but not very often. Disney was not something we did. And the kids didn’t have that. And we didn’t go to a lot of sports and things. They did not hear words and conversation that we didn’t want them to hear. So we kept them protected from that. So we just kept the world out.

[David Sommerdorf]

But having said that, we had a very strong homeschool movement up there. And our children would go to science labs. They would orchestra and band, a community band and orchestra. They were part of that. It wasn’t like we just kind of locked them down in a cave. We allowed them to interact all the time with people, even the neighbor kids. But the rule was that Deb put in place, which was a great rule. As long as we’re influencing them, it’s okay. But when they, if they’re lost and start to influence us, then the friendship is off. And so it wasn’t a compound mentality. And some people do that. Kids never even learn how to operate in the real world. But it was a keeping of their heart. It was a training them constantly. The why. When they got older, we’d give them the why. We’d never give them the why earlier. That was the what years, the who years, and so on. Do this. Why? Because we said so. But when they got into those teenage years, we owed them an explanation. So we began to train them even more then. But it wasn’t a compound. And laughter just filled our home. Happiness. build our home, but we were very adamant on discipline, character, bedtime. There was incredible structure, but because of that, I think there was a lot of happiness because children like to know those boundaries.

[Jay]

Right. Would you go into that a little bit more? What I mean is the family life that you’re describing has become the exception in our country and not the rule. Perhaps there was a time in our country where that was the rule, but that’s no longer the case. You have people coming from broken homes. You have the LGBTQ influence and all the destruction that has left in its wake in our families and in our society. People that are coming into the church are broken in ways that we haven’t even thought of in the past several decades, and it’s happening more and more. And of course, I’m You mentioned the divorce rates, what they are in the country, and who initiates divorce, and how often. What can we do as Christians, as married Christians, to keep our families together, considering how high the divorce rate is today, but also to minister to people who are coming into our churches who don’t have the idyllic life that you’re describing?

[David Sommerdorf]

I’ll mention something I left to my mind, and then I’ll let you go ahead and back clean up. But one of the things that came to my mind is, with all of those variables, there’s just always this constant that it doesn’t rest on the variables. In other words, is Jesus Christ the center and focus of your home? You say, but you don’t understand. We have a broken home. It doesn’t matter. Is Jesus Christ the center and focus of your broken home, of your patchwork quilt here? It still comes back to What is the focus of your home? Is it Jesus Christ or is it entertainment? Is it sports? Is it videos? Is it Hollywood? Or is it Jesus Christ? And we. would say to every couple we meet, and we meet about everything you can imagine being across America, and you’re right, the home is under attack like never before. But the structure never changes, except the Lord build the house, they labor in vain that build it. How does that happen? You have to go and go to his word and determine this is who we’re going to be, and this is who we’re going to serve. And the centerpiece of our home is not the TV, it’s Jesus Christ. So you come back to that basic thing, because he is still the one that gives the forgiveness, he gives the grace, and he puts together broken pieces, and he gives you the privilege of having not only a happy home, but a home that can be passed on those values to other generations. So my advice probably would never change. It’s almost like giving the gospel. Well, do you need to know their culture? Do you need to know their… No, the gospel’s the gospel. You’re a sinner, and sinners need a savior, and Jesus Christ is the only one that can get you out of the grave into heaven and can forgive you. Culture has nothing to do with that. And so same with broken homes or perfectly put together homes. No, every home needs to be built on the foundation of Jesus Christ. There’s no other foundation that can be built except him. And that has to be what takes place. So my focus to every person I deal with, they say, well, I’ve got a broken home, I’m now remarried, what should I do? Well, is the Bible the centerpiece of your home? Are you faithful to the house of God? Do you shut the world out and press God’s word and things of God into the hearts of every individual within the confines of your home? And I would say that the biggest thing, get a cell phone free zone. Just learn to shut those things off, toss them in a basket, and learn to relate with each other and to relate with the Lord on a personal level. Deb.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

I have two cents to add to that. Okay. How can we help them? You know, they do need a lot of help because, like you said, they probably came, their homes were broken and messed up. Maybe their parents are still married, not divorced, but there was fighting and contention and anger. And then they get married and, you know, many times you just do what you were in. And what they need from us, we need to be able to say, Hey, come over and let them see your family and your home operating. Watch you and your husband relate and help one another. Watch the kids laugh and have fun and you tell them to do something and they obey right away. This is so important for them because they’ve never seen that. They think maybe there’s a possibility for that, but they’re like, How can this happen? This is probably obsolete. That’s 100 years old. One thing we did in our churches in Alaska, when it would get nice, we would do the Sunday service and have a meal in the second service. Then afterwards, we would go to the school next door to the church and we would play softball as a church family. So all the little children were involved and the older people were involved. And, you know, it was great for those baby Christians because many of the people in Alaska that got saved were in their 30s and they had two or three children. Their finances were wrecked, their family Everything was a wreck. But when they would come to do that, they’d watch all of us work together, and they would learn from the examples that the other people would put out. We would have them to our homes regularly, and they would come in. And I did a unit study every week for three hours, and I’d invite these moms and their kids to come in just so they could see the operation. And I slowly required them, this is what I want you to bring next week, and this is what I want you to do next week. And we put it together, and we helped them to learn how to build a Christ-centered home and how to put things aside and be able to say, hey, I love my husband, I love my children. But they need an example to follow, so we have to be willing to let them in. Amen.

[MCG]

It sounds to me that you guys’ marriage changed a lot once you start having one, two, three kids plus. Is that true? And how did it change in your heart, Brother Dave, and how did it change in your life, Miss Deb?

[David Sommerdorf]

Well, I think in my heart, I just, it got busier and you sensed more of the responsibility. And so really you had more moving parts. Maybe a good way to describe it is more plates to keep spinning. It wasn’t just Deb and I. Now we’ve got children and yet have to pay the bills, have to have ministry and so on. I think for me, more than anything, it just got busier. I do know there was a point at which I finally said, and Deb had really been tapping me on this, but I finally went ahead and took a full day off in the middle of the week and just turned the phones off and just spent them with the family. That was Wednesday. It was Wednesday in the middle of the week. I worked sales, so I had a business partner. He’d take the company on Wednesday. I’d shut the phones off and I wouldn’t even answer them. Deb knew and the kids knew that they had dad all day right in the middle of the week. That really helped a lot in all those relationships. And then doing a family vacation every October for a couple of weeks, we’d fly to my parents’ farm and we’d do that as a family. So there were things I put in place with the children and Deb I think really helped tremendously, but it did get busy.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

One thing we learned with the children is we learned a lot about ourselves because there’ll be a child that’s just like you and you’ll see do something, you’re like, you want to stop them, then you’re disciplining them or training them. You’re like, I do that all the time. Yeah. So we learned a lot about ourselves. And so that was a big thing. But my children were my purpose and my joy. So I got up every morning, really excited about helping them and working with them and everything. One thing I had to do is I had to help my husband to invest in the kids. So I signed him up to do archery with the children. So he We would take the kids on Wednesdays and the older three or four and he would be with them for like an hour, hour and a half and they would do archery. And then we needed an orchestra. Our kids were playing a couple of instruments and other kids were. So I got him that he would teach an hour and a half orchestra in our basement with a bunch of homeschool children. So I manipulated things, not like trying to maneuver him in a position. I said, Hon, what about, would you be willing to do this? And he was like, Well, yeah, can do that so Wednesday that became a normal the kids would come about 1:30 is sometime in the afternoon and he would do orchestra we do orchestra put things in place yeah because you know you know to come teach math once a week wasn’t good because when you relate to adults and then you relate to children it doesn’t work very.

[Jay]

Well doesn’t work very well that’s so true.

[David Sommerdorf]

And I think I got involved in their schooling more when they got into the upper math and upper sciences physics chemistry algebra trigonometry, those were definitely my wheelhouses. So not Deb’s. And so I got involved in that and then did orchestra too. That was the community orchestra. You had sometimes some professional musicians there as well in our band. And we all just as a family went and we would put on concerts twice a year for the city. And it was really good. It challenged me, but it also challenged them. Yeah, that was, there was a lot of things like that. So yeah.

[Jay]

Can I talk on one question on on to that for you, Brother Dave. I would imagine as the head of the household and the responsibility for providing for your family and leading your family, that’s a very hefty weight to be on your shoulders. How did you prevent the drive to succeed and provide? How did you prevent that from overshadowing your responsibilities in the home in terms of being deeply involved in their lives? I know that Miss Deb was able to kind of gently suggest things. Was that something that the Lord had to work on your Or was it more like a realization that, hey, this is my responsibility before the Lord? How did you keep those two things, which are both good responsibilities, both good things, but one can easily overshadow the other? How did you prevent that from happening?

[David Sommerdorf]

Well, I think the honest answer is I was not deeply involved with my children. That’s a very fair answer. I was very driven in ministry. I was very driven in my job. I wasn’t driven in my family. That was how it began. And a lot of that can be examples. Some of it’s just selfishness, like I mentioned, I had to learn to go ahead and be a dad. I had to learn to slow down for the team and get involved. The quick answer was I handed it to Deb, and she’s hardy enough to handle it. Then when the day came where she cried for help, I thought, what’s her problem? This has been going great. I’m doing my thing. She’s doing hers. And so there was that wake-up call that I realized, you need to slow down and be not just a dad, but a godly dad. an involved dad with your children. And I think I began to relate a lot more when they got into their teenage years in the early crumb scratching years. I mean, that just wasn’t, I’ll be quite frank, I don’t think I ever changed a diaper. So not that that’s the topic we’re on, but it’s like, that’s her business. I’m not making her work a job, so she shouldn’t make me go ahead and change diapers. I mean, this was kind of, it sounds, but in a sense, we kind of had our roles and our duties, but as the kids grew, older and grew up I realized I need to even get more involved and we move that way and then you know certainly getting into ministry on the road we didn’t have a choice we were all pressed in with each other at that point so no I did not being very frank and maybe I represent a lot of dads out there but I was not deeply involved with my children I think There were a lot of other men out there that were a better dad than I was. But the majority of our children are chasing God. Amen. Deb and I were discussing this the other day. I think you have the parents. You have the heart of the child, and the mercy and grace of God is this trifecta to determine where they’re going to be one day. And all three eventually have to be there, but their heart is still their heart, and they have to make choices and decisions. And I’ve got some very godly men. godly women husbands and wives some kids aren’t serving the Lord and they say how I said the heart of that kid still figures into this formula and if they want to chase Jesus they’ll do it in spite of you not always because of you and that doesn’t give us a pass but it is an explanation because as you get older you start trying to find this thing and one thing one thing we have found is we were real We were real. Kids love it when you’re real. If you fail and don’t hide it, but you just say, yeah, dad screwed up. When confronted, you admit it and say, you’re right. I was wrong. Kids like it real because they do want you. They do want to love you. And if you’ll just keep it real, they’ll cut you a lot of slack and you’ll all grow together in the process. So they’ve been very patient with me. Deb’s been very patient with me as a dad. There were some things I did exceptionally well, that frankly, I was spot on provider, all of that. Then there were some things that were just very weak in my life, and I’ve had to learn to make family my priority. And that’s where grandkids come in. Can I just share this? They’re God’s second chance. They’re the chance God gives you to correct some things that maybe you weren’t what you should have been, and now with the grands you can be. And we’re loving that stage with 16 grandchildren because our children watch us. And they love seeing, I’ll say me in particular, going ahead and focusing on relationship with the grandkids because maybe it wasn’t as much as it should have been when I was dad. They don’t get upset about it. They actually relish that and enjoy it with us. And so I guess the mercy of God is sweet and that when we fail and we’re not what we ought to be, it’s good to say, Yeah, I failed and let’s reset this thing and let’s get some things right. So that’s what I’ve And I think we all do as parents. We’re not perfect, but we shouldn’t be content to stay where we are. We should want to grow.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

It’s never too late.

[MCG]

Amen. You know, what I really appreciate about you, brother, is that you’re being vulnerable. And it’s rare to see that in someone in your position as an evangelist and a well-respected evangelist to that.

[David Sommerdorf]

Well, maybe after this podcast, that’ll change. That will be well-respected.

[MCG]

But that’s okay. I think it would probably increase. So a curious question, Miss Deb, would you do it all over again? Knowing the last 40 plus years, would you do it all over again and why?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

You know, it was really hard. And I don’t know that I would want to do it again if I had to do it again. Now, like you said, being married 41 years, there are some things I would have changed a lot earlier and I would have reached out for help a lot earlier. But as I look at it, we have so many blessings that I would have missed out. My children, I wouldn’t have them and their desire to serve the Lord and the close relationship that we have with several and we are so close with and their spouses. And You can’t replace that. And the opportunity to be in our grandkids’ lives and see them getting saved and excited about quoting scripture to us and doing devotions with us when we come to visit. We were just in a church a couple Sundays ago and a lady raised her hand and said, today’s my spiritual birthday. Eight years ago, Mrs. Sommerdorf led me to the Lord. Oh, wow. All those things would be missed. You have to be careful that you don’t stare at the things you didn’t like or that were hurtful. You also have to remember those great things and the blessings that you got along the way. So I’m grateful for those and I wouldn’t trade those for anything.

[David Sommerdorf]

And I liken it to Marine Corps recruit demo. I get this one all the time. If you had to do it again, would you do it all over? I say heavens no. But I’m not upset that I went through that. Right. You know, I have to look at it that because, you know, I I think when we look at our family, we look at our home, it’s not where you are, it’s where you’re heading. And the opportunity to finish well is huge because we serve the God of the second chance, the third chance. Never the perpetual chance. I mean, eventually, those sands run through the hourglass. Grace isn’t perpetual. He gives you opportunity to repent. He gives you opportunity to change. But I look back over those years, and they were tough years. And as Deb had mentioned, in a relationship sense, they were tough. But for me, they were brutal. I mean, that’s where I had to learn how to deal with bitterness because of a man who tried to destroy me in every sense of the word. I had to scratch and claw to make ends meet. There were a lot of things even our children have said to us, Dad, how did you and mom make it look so easy? We’ve had our kids say that. I said, Well, first of all, it wasn’t. There were a lot of moving parts, but we just didn’t read you into everything that was going on all the time. It was for us to deal with. But I look back over those years and wow, whew, those were some tough years, financially, emotionally, spiritually. But I think at the end of the day, we always had that idea that we know what we can’t do. This is an unconsidered avenue. We’re not doing that. We are going to make this work. And we also recognized we had more that we liked about each other than what we didn’t like. I remember playing that game, and the kids were gone. The kids were all gone. So this would have been maybe, 15 years ago, we’re driving down the interstate and somewhere along the line, we had a little tiff that morning. I always liken it to the meow. So the farm boy would hear when two cats go after each other. And we had one of those moments and we were silent. She’s in the XO seat on the right. I’m in the commanding officer’s bridge on the left with the steering column, and we’re going down the interstate. And the silence was palpable. And I thought, this is crazy. We’ve had great going great. Why did all of a sudden we go to this impasse? And it was a disagreement or something that was brought up from the past. I don’t know, but you know how that goes. And so I got this idea and it had to be the Lord. I said, okay, hon, we’re going to play baseball. I’m going to bat first. You’re going to bat second. And when I come up to the plate, I’m going to say one thing I like about you. And then it’s your turn. It’s your inning. You come up and say one thing you like about me. And we’re going to keep going back and forth till finally somebody’s run out of things they like about the other person that would make other individual the winner. So I’m going first. She’s just sitting there quietly. I said, You know what I love about you? You have been an amazing mommy to our six children. Boo. Then it got really quiet. I am literally sitting there praying, Please pick up the bat. Please, throw the pitch, whatever. And then she clears her voice and says, one thing I love about you is you’ve been an amazing provider. Okay, game on. And we went back and forth for the next half an hour or so with how many did we come up with? Didn’t even count, right? Over 30-ish, I think. And at the end of that, we realized there was more we liked about each other than this one silly thing we were fussing about. And boom, solved it. I think if couples played that form of baseball, I think it could really help the marriages because we sometimes, when we augur in on bitterness or we augur in on a hurt, we forget all the other good stuff. And that’s all we stare at and we miss it all, the big picture. And I think that gave us that big picture. And we haven’t had to play that. We only did it that one time. But if we go to our corners to want to come out fighting now, we just kind of say, Hey, just let’s remember all the good stuff we like about it. And then it’s done. It’s over.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

And thanks, we don’t have a lot of contention or fighting or anything?

[David Sommerdorf]

No, it’s, these are the best years.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

We never have.

[David Sommerdorf]

Yeah, we would have disagreements. Anyhow, that’s how we solved it at that moment 15 years ago. And the more we think about it, the more we realize we have so much to be thankful for in each other. So would we go through that again? Would I, would Deb, oh boy, you know, No, but I’m glad we did. And I’m glad where we are now.

[MCG]

Amen. You know, one of your favorite messages, brother, is the root of bitterness. As you said, the root of bitterness.

[David Sommerdorf]

I did say it that way, didn’t I?

[MCG]

Brutal. Yeah, and you went through that time where that guy tried to take you down and everything, man. I’ve listened to that message several times because you have to be a blessing to me. And I know I mentioned that to you and you gave me a full copy of that message because the message I had was like an hour and a half and he cut off.

[David Sommerdorf]

Yes. Yep.

[MCG]

You gave me a CD with part one and part two. I’ve listened to several times as well. So definitely.

[David Sommerdorf]

That sermon has helped thousands.

[MCG]

Oh yeah.

[David Sommerdorf]

If not millions around the world. And one guy described it as my RG Lee payday someday message. But it is. It’s legitimately a message we all need.

[MCG]

Yeah.

[David Sommerdorf]

And we all need more than once.

[MCG]

Yeah. Amen. All right. Well, let’s shoot this question to you, Miss Deb. Ephesians chapter five, verse 22 to verse 24 says, wives, submit yourself unto your own husbands as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church, and he’s the savior of the body. Therefore, as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be unto their own husbands in everything. So, Miss Deb, how have you shown respect and submission to your husband over the years.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

No, I’m really thankful that I had a pastor in my life that preached the whole word of God, and he ingrained so much in me. So when I became a wife, it just became a habit right away to let him lead and And the big thing is learning not to interrupt or correct him. And I had to learn how to communicate like, well, like we said, he would stay home on Wednesday, but not know how to work with the kids. So I had to fare away, hey, would you be willing to take the kids to archery? So I had to make suggestions. instead of saying, this is what I need you to do, you know. And so submitting to him, I did that willingly. That wasn’t a big battle for me. I just knew that as a wife to fulfill God’s Word, I had to let him lead, even if it led us over the hill and the woods and into the creek, you know. And so I’ve been able to do that pretty well. That hasn’t been a battle for me. And I’m thankful for that. But I do have to remind myself, don’t correct him, just listen, don’t interrupt. And have that respect for him. And I guess that would be the best way for me. That was not a battle for me.

[Jay]

Well, ladies, you heard it. You heard it here. Get yourself into a church where there’s good, solid Bible preaching, a pastor that will teach you the word of God, and let the scriptures teach you how you are to relate to your husband. You heard it here first. So brother Dave, Ephesians chapter 5, verse verses 25 to 29 says, husbands love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for it, that he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, that he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that it should be holy and without blemish. So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself for no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourisheth and cherish with it, even as the Lord, the church. What practical things are you doing to love your wife as Christ loves the church?

[David Sommerdorf]

Great question. Whenever I teach on this, of course, many, many times I hear people say, that was a great help to me. And I always respond by saying, well, that’s because it was a great help to me. It always hits me first. And if something doesn’t hit me and help me, I frankly, rarely do I ever preach it. So most messages are dealing with me long before they get to someone else. I do teach men this. How did Christ love us? He loved us knowledgeably. In other words, he took knowledge of us. He wasn’t aloof or indifferent to our needs. So one of the ways I’ve learned to love Deb is to get to know her and understand her and understand and her needs so I can meet them. And every woman has a different love language. I need to learn that. I’ve learned her love language. Every woman has different emotional needs. They want to know they’re a priority in your life. And I’ve learned to move her up. She’s second only to the Lord. And then to be just sacrificial. I mean, it’s one thing to know this person has a need, but it’s another one then to stoop to meet it. and to sacrifice yourself for their betterment. And that’s what Jesus did for us. So when I see the need, I have to be willing to pay a price, to set aside what I want to do, set aside who I want to be, and go ahead and see her smile and live for her. Thirdly, to love her faithfully. That means I shouldn’t be On one day, off another, I should be very constant. Love her at all times and love her for all times. No one else should be able to steal my heart from her, just like no one can steal the Lord’s heart from us. He sets his love upon us, and he loves us with a love that doesn’t pass us by, and it doesn’t let us go. So same thing. I’m learning that, and I have to learn to love her wisely. Sometimes, ladies, I know Deb well, and I know some of her weaknesses, and rather than use those against her, I try to strengthen those. Deb has a memory that’s unbelievable. And she can remember something that happened 27 years, four months, three days, and 12 hours ago. And I have to help her let that stuff go, whether it’s toward me, towards someone else. So we make a great team that way because I’m that guy that you can stomp all over me and We can get in a good fight an hour later. I’m good. We’re buds. Let’s go. You know, it just doesn’t bother me like it does her. So I’ve learned to love her wisely and to help love her to Proverbs 31, womanhood.

[MCG]

Go with her according to knowledge.

[David Sommerdorf]

Yes. Yep.

[MCG]

I have a contention, brother, and I’ve asked several folks this on this series. I think that the tasks for the husband are much harder than the tasks for the wife.

[David Sommerdorf]

You think so?

[MCG]

The wives are asked to submit. The husbands are asked to love, to give their life. Would you agree with me?

[David Sommerdorf]

You know, when I look at that command to submit and what she has hooked her wagon to, you know, I’ve always likened submission to the backseat of a motorcycle ride. You know, you are totally out of control and some absolutely ignorant individual is at the control. That is so scary. Here’s what I know. What God asks us to do for the other spouse is beyond our capacity to fully fulfill that. They need more from us than what we can give them. They need from us what God can give them through us. And we are truly back to the key. I have to walk with Jesus Christ. I have to draw on His power, His mercy, His grace. I have to walk in the Spirit, not the flesh. And so does Deb, because I honestly don’t have all the resources and capacity to fully meet all of her needs, but God does through me. And likewise, the same for her. And so we, as we’ve grown old together, have recognized our fallacies our limitations. And we recognize that really, for me to meet her needs and her to meet mine, we have got to get closer to Jesus Christ. And the closer we both get to Jesus Christ automatically, the closer we get to each other. And we become what we need to be. So as a man, I would heartily agree with you. As a Christian man, knowing the Word of God, I would say I think both have their challenges tremendously so. I think both are challenged. I do think when a woman submits to her man, she removes his excuse why he shouldn’t love her. So there is an element, I think. I always wondered why God to the woman first Colossians 3 and Ephesians 5 and 6 why did he turn to the woman first maybe that’s it I don’t know but I do know it takes a walk with Jesus Christ to fully have a godly happy home and marriage and this is where the lost world doesn’t have they don’t have the resource we have and shame on us if we don’t draw on this new resource we have in the Word of God the Spirit of God and the Son of God.

[MCG]

All right, well, why don’t we wrap it up with Ephesians chapter five, verse 31 and 32. The Bible says, for this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they too shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. What do you want the world to know about Christ and his church as demonstrated through your marriage?

[David Sommerdorf]

I have three words, love, sacrifice, and commitment.

[MCG]

Amen.

[David Sommerdorf]

For God so loved, He made that first move, that He gave His only begotten Son. There’s the sacrifice. And whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but instead have everlasting life. Notice it’s everlasting life, not intermittent life, because once you’re saved and in the family of God, know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior. He has said these words, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. That home should be that little picture of heaven on earth and the relationship we enjoy with Jesus Christ, which is a relationship of love, sacrifice, and commitment. And that’s what I would want people to know.

[MCG]

Anything to add, Miss Deb?

[Deb Sommerdorf]

That sounds great to me. I love it.

[Jay]

Amen. Amen.

[MCG]

Well, Brother Dave, Miss Deb, it was indeed a pleasure. Thank you so much for joining us on the Removing Barriers podcast.

[David Sommerdorf]

God bless you.

[MCG]

Amen.

[Deb Sommerdorf]

Thank you.

[Jay]

Thank you so much for listening to the Removing Barriers podcast. Make sure to rate us everywhere you listen to podcasts, including Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, or Stitcher. Removing Barriers, a clear view of the cross.

[MCG]

Thank you for listening. To get a hold of us, to support this podcast, or to learn more about removing barriers, go to removingbarriers.net. This has been the Removing Barriers podcast. We attempted to remove barriers so that we all can have a clear view of the cross.